And I understand. I understand why people hold hands: I’d always thought it was about possessiveness, saying ‘This is mine’. But it’s about maintaining contact. It is about speaking without words. It is about I want you with me and don’t go.

I need you
to be patient with me.
Sometimes you will find me
curled up like the cat
and you will have to tell me
you are
you are
you are.

Sometimes you will need to hold my hands
so they do not mindlessly graze
over broken ribs
softly nestled behind flesh.

And sometimes you will have to let me go
so I may be reminded
that I saved myself many a times,
and I can do it again.
I need you
to be patient with me.

Michelle K., Patient With Me. (via michellekpoems)

Someone once told me that I was hard to love. The way I switched back and forth so quickly, my emotions always shifted so swiftly- they told me I was unpredictable. Never knowing what you’re gonna get, I go from white and back to black again- never gray, I wish I could explain why I am this way
But its hard. I am hard to love.
You say touching me is like walking on egg shells- never knowing if you’ll be greeted with embrace or a slap to the face, whether I’ll think you’re sweet or just a sour taste- I’m sorry for my change of pace- I am teetering.
Teetering between day and night, hiding in the shadows only to embrace the light never knowing what it is that I want, never knowing when I’ll change my mind- I am indecisive.
Someone once told me I was the most infuriating person they’d ever met, they way I floundered like scared prey desperately avoiding their net- they said I just want to hold you, I said today I don’t want you to.
Borderline. That’s what psychiatrists pegged my Personality with the addition of the word Disorder. My cells are disordered. I am hard to love.
One second I adore your essence, the next second I can’t stand your presence and I’m sorry.
So I will refuse your touch although I crave your attention, the pendulum that is my mind I thought I had mentioned- I am indecisive. I can be pulsing love through my veins at the hour and by the next rain down fury that showers
You, and you will wonder exactly when the shift occurred. I wonder that too.
My hands once used to cradle someone I felt so significant will suddenly find themselves feeling indifferent and I will have hurt you
But I never meant to. I never meant to climb aboard this never ending roller coaster ride, the one that doesn’t prohibit letting more passengers inside- I never meant to be
Borderline.

(aureate-dwale)

(Source: aureate-dwale)

The term borderline originated because in the days of old, folks considered this to be borderline psychosis…because of the seemingly insane, crazy type of behavior…the OUT-OF-CONTROL behavior…behavior that oftentimes makes little sense to the observers and the targets of the behavior. Many times, borderline people don’t understand themselves because of their out-of-control emotions and behavior…imagine how hard it is for someone else to understand their behavior…especially someone who has little or no experience with this kind of stuff. At least the individual asking the question is asking…in a quest to understand the seemingly un-understandable!

From a DBT-CBT perspective, when we’re “Big Time in Emotional Mind,” we have little to no Rational Mind going on…we’re like 95% Emotional Mind and 5% Rational Mind. We’re not thinking straight…we’re not rational…we’re just BIG TIME IN EMOTIONAL MIND. Our emotions are intense…they are driving our perceptions…they are driving our behavior…they are driving our thoughts…we’re not dealing with reality or the way things really are…we are reacting to things based on our emotions, our fears and traumatic experiences, and our emotion-driven beliefs. Our emotions have “done gone crazy”…and we say and do irrational things in such an intense emotional state. But the truth, it’s not about being crazy…or stupid…or anything like that…it’s about being overwhelmed with emotions, memories, fears, trauma…it’s about being desperate…desperate for relief, desperate for comfort, desperate for a continuing relationship, desperate for assurance of safety…and it’s about desperately seeking to reduce our emotional intensity to a level that is more tolerable.

The Blog of Melanie Gordon Sheets, Ph.D., the author of the “Out-of-Control” DBT-CBT Recovery Workbook (via queenofthecloudss)

I wish people understood this feeling.

I need to realize that I AM ALL I HAVE. There’s no other choice, no other body. I’m responsible for this. I don’t have the options to feed, to hurt, to hate or else. This body is not an embarrassment or a burden. It was given to me as it is, theres no other discussion about it.

(via happineuse)

We numbered the days with
how strong the pain was.
We doused out hearts in gasoline
and kissed with matches in our teeth.

But fires die out and we forget
that it’s okay to stay in love
when it does not burn.

What if, in another universe, I deserve you?

Hear me out. There’s this philosopher from the 1890s named William James, and he coined this theory about “the multiverse” which suggests that a hypothetical set of multiple universes comprises everything that can possibly exist simultaneously.

Are you following? The entirety of space, time, matter and energy is all happening at once in different timelines: It’s the idea of parallel universes. Right? So okay, let’s presume the multiverse is real.

Well then, maybe somewhere in those infinite universes is one, or several, where I deserve you.

Maybe there’s a universe out there — happening now — where we end up together and when I close my eyes at night, I’m not dreaming the way a normal person would. Instead I’m seeing flashes of our lives in the multiverse. They’re not simple dreams because I miss you, right? They’re scientific, anachronistic visions.

For instance:

In this universe, I don’t want a family, but maybe in another, I’m more of the type to settle down. Maybe there’s a universe where you hold my hand while I give birth to our daughter in a white hospital room with pink flowers and fuzzy teddy bears on the window sill. Where we take family vacations and pose for dorky pictures in our neon bathing suits on the sands of a Florida beach. Where we curl up to watch a cheesy movie at the end of a long day in our big, green, suburban house once the kids have fallen asleep.

Maybe there’s a universe where we are middle-aged and taking our child to college and bickering over where to put her dresser or what posters she should hang up. Where you kiss her on the forehead ‘goodbye’ and we drive home in contented, proud silence, your fingers grazing my knuckles, our wedding rings glistening. Where we both have gray hair and we laugh and smile and hug and drink lemonade on the porch.

Maybe there’s a universe where that’s the life I want. Where I don’t second guess everything and I’m not afraid of commitment and of the future and of love. Maybe there’s a universe without all the noise in my head and the pride that makes me so fiercely independent and the coldness in my heart that I can turn on and off like a security fence.

Maybe there’s a universe where I’m the right person for you. Where I adore every nice thing you did for me without starting to resent you. A universe where you actually end up with someone who appreciates you. Where no one becomes a doormat. Where both of us can shed our baggage and curiosity and issues. A universe where we’re happy — without wondering if that happiness is some messed-up Jenga game ready to topple at the slightest quiver. A universe where we’re comfortable and sure, and we have cats.

Maybe there’s a universe where we fall asleep next to each other every night like spoons, like two innocent bunnies — my face buried in your neck, hugging your warmth — and we both don’t want anything or anybody else. Where we don’t want more, we just want each other.

Maybe there’s a universe where I don’t covet so much all the time and where I’m content and where I don’t wonder about picking up and moving to Japan without saying anything to anyone and where at this very juncture, I can just know I’ll always want to come home and cook dinner with you.

If you think of it all this way, then it’s like neither of us did anything wrong.

You just found me in the wrong universe. That’s all. This is, as they say, the darkest timeline. Everywhere else, nay, “everywhen” else — us in the Civil War, us in Ancient Egypt, us in the swinging ’60s — we are happy.

If this theory holds, well, by the law of averages, there had to be one universe — just this one — where we don’t end up together. Here and now just happens to be it. If you think of it this way, nothing is our fault.

So see, that explains everything. We’re not together anymore because of the multiverse.

Well, isn’t that comforting?

If you’re sad, do like I do and just think of the other ‘verses. The ones where I believe in love and where I don’t hate myself and where I never feel the need to kamikaze relationships. A universe where we can have nice things. It’s helpful, right?

Because you could have loved me forever. And maybe in another universe, I let you.

Gaby Dunn (via versteur)

(Source: lovelykristine)